Dec 10, 20243 min read

When Spiritual Choices and Family Commitments Collide:Balancing Faith and Family

A few weeks ago I found myself wrestling with what appeared to be a straightforward decision, but one that carried deep spiritual implications. The choice before me highlighted the constant tension between spiritual obligations and family commitments that perhaps many people of faith face.

The dilemma was clear: Should I remain in Crown Heights, where I could participate in a minyan (congregation) for Shabbos Mevarchim (the shabbos before the new month) and Rosh Chodesh (the new month), or travel to Houston to spend time with family during Thanksgiving weekend (and not have the “spiritual luxuries” that remaining in Crown Heights would have)? On the surface, it seemed like a simple scheduling conflict, but it represented something much deeper - a test of priorities and values.

As I contemplated this decision, I began to see it through a different lens. Instead of viewing it purely as a conflict, I asked myself: "What's the unique opportunity here?" This shift in perspective opened up new ways of thinking about the situation.

Seeking guidance, I consulted my mentor, Rabbi Goldberg, whose wisdom proved invaluable. His response was both practical and profound: "If you see it will help others, you can go on mesirus nefesh b'ruchnius (self sacrifice spiritually). Many shluchim have to do this where they live."

This advice resonated deeply. It reminded me that sometimes, what appears to be a spiritual limitation can actually be an opportunity for growth and service to others. Just as the Shluchim (emissaries) of the Rebbe often find themselves in locations without all the spiritual amenities of a larger Jewish community, these challenges can become platforms for deeper service and connection.

Through this experience, I've come to understand that what might initially appear as a ploy of the Yetzer Hara (evil inclination) to distance us from spirituality, can actually be transformed into an opportunity for growth and positive influence on others.

This understanding is further illuminated by the teaching from Parshas Vayeitzei regarding Yaakov's marriage to two sisters. Despite the fact that the Avos (patriarchs) kept all the commandments before they were given, Yaakov married both Rachel and Leah. The explanation lies in the nature of priorities: Yaakov had made a promise to marry Rachel, and keeping one's word was a fundamental Noachide, or universal, law at the time, while observing the future Torah prohibition against marrying sisters was - at that time - a spiritual stringency, or even “luxury.”

This teaches us a profound lesson: while personal spiritual practices and stringencies are valuable for our personal connection with G-d, they should not come at the expense of our commitments to others. Just as Yaakov prioritized his promise to Rachel over (at that time) a voluntary spiritual practice, we too must carefully weigh our choices when spiritual stringencies might impact others, especially family.

This wisdom is reflected in our daily evening prayers, where we ask to be protected from the Yetzer Hara both in front of us and behind us. The challenges before us represent obstacles that prevent us from fulfilling our true purpose, while the challenges behind us push us to pursue things we don't truly need.