How I Searched for and Found my Wife

Bezras Hashem, In honor of the wedding anniversary of the Lubavitcher Rebbe and Rebbetzin, 14 Kislev.

The Sages teach that a man must search for his wife like the search for a lost object (Kiddushin 2b).

But, to look for something you’ve “lost,” you must already have some sense of what it looks like. Otherwise, how would you know when you’ve found it?

That teaching became the compass for my journey.

Drawing from everything I learned—meditation, visualization, intention-setting, manifestation, and the deep well of Jewish and Chassidic practice—I began to treat finding my wife not as a frantic hunt, but as an avodah, spiritual practice, to align my inner world with the life I prayed to build.

Below are some of the practices that, looking back, didn’t just help me find my wife, but shaped me into the man who could receive her.

1. Visualization

In meditation, I’ve learned about mental rehearsal, the ability to embody a future reality so vividly that your nervous system begins responding as if it’s already true.

Chassidus teaches something similar: machshavah mo’eles, thought has creative power.

So I practiced.

• I would stand in the courtyard outside 770, close my eyes, and imagine my chuppah. Hear the brochos. Sense the presence of the Rebbeim and guests. And other details with the senses.

• I watched a “mind movie” I created, a short film of wedding scenes. I didn’t watch it with longing, but as if I were watching my wedding unfold.

• My iPhone screensaver was a photo of kabbalas panim. Every time I opened my phone, I practiced feeling excitement, not lack.

Many of us see what we want and immediately feel its absence.

But the more vividly we feel the joy of it coming, the more naturally our actions will be aligned with that future.

2. Clarifying What I Was Looking For

To know your “lost object” doesn’t mean to be narrow or inflexible. It means to be honest. To articulate what your soul is truly seeking.

First, I followed the Rebbe’s guidance on the most important things: Hamshachas halev, meaning I should be drawn to her, she should have Middos Tovos, good character, and have Yiras shamayim, awe of heaven.

Then, I wrote down qualities I knew mattered, and even quirky things that I wanted but knew were not of primary importance, such as my wife speaking Spanish (lol). And she does!

A woman passionate about Judaism and life. A growth mindset. Warmth. Kindness. Creativity. Emotional health. Strong family values. Commitment to Torah, to tznius (modesty), and to building a joyful home together.

This clarity helped me say yes to the right dates and no to the wrong ones without self-judgment. The Rebbe’s guidance and clarity facilitated being able to recognize if she’s the one.

3. Working with a Coach

One of the most transformative choices I made was to work with a coach. No, not a dating coach.

Not just to “get married,” but to clear the inner barriers and judgements that blocked me from seeing my wife.

Also, I asked myself the question and allowed it to guide my behavior :

“If I already were the kind of man building a Torah-aligned, joyful home with his wife, how would I move today?”

4. Taking Actions in the Physical World

Spiritual work done properly leads to inspired action, hunches to do something new, or to reach out to someone on a whim.

The path of Chassidus is to bring the light (inspiration, vision) down into the vessels (actions).

In this case, my wife into a way that I’d receive her.

So with the above inner work it led to actions like:

• Contacting many shadchanim and let people know I’m dating

• Reading books on shidduchim and letters from the Rebbe, absorbing the Rebbe’s heart for Jewish marriage.

• Learning about dating, marriage, and relationships

5. Daily Segulos (traditions that help bring about a desired outcome)

I also practiced small, consistent habits I learned were segulos for marriage:

• Setting specific intentions daily

• Daily tzedakah to Hachnasas Kallah, new brides.

• Forgiving past relationships

• Praying for others who needed a shidduch

• Learning about shidduchim, marriage, and building a bayis ne’eman, an everlasting edifice.

They were ways of keeping my heart open and daily actions aligned with attracting my wife.

Then surprisingly and naturally, I received my wife’s dating profile. Which is another story!

When I met my wife, I recognized her, not from the visualization exercises, but from the man I had become.

The Sages were right.

Searching for one’s wife is like searching for a lost object. Only, we need let go of the old model of searching for a lost object, frantically, and embrace living as if it’s already found. The latter process begins with the source of who one is being. When one aligns with who he/she is and lives from that place, then actions aligned with the desired outcome will automatically follow.

We just need to know what we’re looking for and who we must become to receive it.

May all who are looking for their match receive him or her very soon!